Hank Moody used to be my hero. Hank, played by David Duchovny, is the central character in the TV show Cali-fornication. Hank was once a great writer who in the earlier seasons can’t write because his life is a mess. Karen, the mother of his adolescent daughter and the love of his life, left him and is about to get married to Bill, a stable but unspectacular man.
At the end of the pilot episode, Hank sits down in front of his computer to write but can only output the word FUCK. His life is not in a proper place. However despite having his life in the shitter, Hank is always the alpha male in every social situation. His confidence is unshakable, giving him the ability to deliver witty comebacks and snaps. Women want to fuck him and men can’t fuck with him. When I was first introduced to the show, my friend made a comment that there’s no way a person with that much emotional stress could remain that present and confident. I agreed, this was a TV show, and the lines were written.
Now, however, I’m finding myself in a similar predicament.I finished grad school last December and had had no income for the past three and half months. I haven’t been looking for a job but had a couple of prospective leads seemed optimistic. However when they failed to materialize into a steady position at the end of March, I began to panic. Social Confident had been receiving positive feedback but didn’t have the explosive growth that every entrepreneur dreams of post-launch.I was at a crossroads. But it’s never easy to get rid of social anxiety these days.
Do I keep working on Social Confident, pursuing something I love and believe in or do I start looking for a job? Over the course of a week or so, I decided to commit to Social Confident, sink or swim. I sat down and created a vision for what I want my lifestyle to be, how much money I need to make, and the services and products I’m going to provide to generate that income. That vision was both inspiring and scary. I was inspired by how incredible that lifestyle would be but scared because I had no idea how to get there. Then came the doubts.Uncertainty causes anxiety and stress; I was feeling both. I got sick, my energy was low, and I hid at home. Mr. Social Confident, as one of my friends called me, wasn’t feeling so social nor confident. I wasn’t having fun.I tucked away my love for life behind the necessity of security. I rationalized that I needed to sort out my financial situation before I can enjoy life.
I started working all the time. I stopped doing the things I loved. I ceased to going out. I was living small. I was dying.I would like to finish this story but it will have to wait until tomorrow. I have plans tonight. I’m going out, and I’m going to go have fun.